Hey guys :)
OK so this post is going to be different to the usual beauty and fashion ramblings but a post none the less. I want to make my blog somewhere that i can just write/share my life experiences!
A few months ago, as some readers may know, i headed off to university, 2 hours away from my home in North Wales. This was a very scary process for me as i don't really deal well with new people and new situations i tend to shy away from them and avoid them at all costs. I prefer to be within my safe comfort zone where i know nothing can hurt me or go wrong/embarrass me. Obviously upon being here for 6 months now it wasn't as bad as i thought it would have been and I've made numerous new friends who i love to pieces and i am SO glad i met, they have definitely changed me for the better.
The reason i tend to not want to leave my comfort zone is because i have anxiety problems (i've had them since i was quite young but they're slowly decreasing) and if i'm put under serious stress i just freak out and have panic attacks and get very short of breath/start to cry/be sick, it isn't a nice sight - fortunately this hasn't happened to me for a long while - but i haven't been super stressed in quite a while! The reason for this post is because recently university has become somewhat of a big big challenge and i'm afraid that if I stress too much then i will start having panic attacks again and it will stop me from doing the things i want to do with my life/affect how well i can do in my life. A recent stress filled situation, that brought me to writing this post, made me feel like i was lazy and basically like everybody in the situation thought that i wasn't being fair on them/making them do all the work, but how do you tell a bunch of people you've barely known for 6 months that you don't feel up to taking part in a GROUP activity because it could cause you to panic too much? They don't know you properly, or your situation so their responce would probably be to say "stop making stuff up and get on with it." Which in all fairness, most of us would! But to be honest I've realised that within this group i played my part, did the work that was compulsory and asked nicely if i could be excused from the part that was optional/for us to work out as a group. I did what made ME feel comfortable and for 1 or 2 in the group this obviously wasn't enough/was seen as selfish and they felt they needed to voice this more or less in front of me, yet indirectly, which made me feel even worse about how I'd handled situation (which to be fair wasn't brilliantly). This is now making me want to try harder to overcome this horrible fear of panic attacks and people laughing at me if things go wrong and to achieve what i know i am capable of.
What I have learnt from this experience is that you cannot please everyone, you can only be the best you can with what you do so if you feel you really cannot do something - tell someone and if they disagree then maybe they just don't understand. That's fine because not everyone will, the thing is everyone at some point will have to do something that is not within their comfort zone, in fact this was so far out of my comfort zone i was prepared to walk out of an assessment if i absolutely had to present it - that's how bad my anxiety has gotten. Hopefully i will be able to over come this and start doing more things to help my confidence and in turn wont feel the need to be put this is awkward and horrible situation again.